May we exist until the new year?
By Jerre Skog
An open letter to the president of United States of America and his Bosses.
From the President of Longlhostistan Ali bin Hassan Mohammed
Dear Sirs,
I would like to ask you to let me and my government exist a little longer. We have, at least for the time being, some plans to celebrate my democratic government´s first birthday on the 31st of December after the 12 hard years of dictatorical rule under your favourite friend Ben Robbing. And, as you might know, one has to make reservations well in advance in the restaurants for parties of 10 or bigger.
Now I happen to know that you and your fellow world-ruler friends are a little sensitive in the area of criticism and are not very fond of people who are not completely obedient to your wishes. I´m sorry but some of us here happen not to be among those who are fully prepared to stop thinking independently and just wave the American flag, (we not even American, btw). We might also not be with you, (even if we are not with any sort of terrorists, just in case we have the same definitions of the word), but instead a bit more with the people you and your friends, no harm intended I suppose, cause a lot of suffering. I also have to admit that some of our dailies have written some articles that doesn´t put you in the best of light, to say it nicely, but isn´t openness and freedom what both our countries are striving towards? Don´t let our closing down Monsanto´s experimental facility upset the friendship between our countries too much. We simply had to do it. After they poisoned the most fertile 2 / 8ths of the country and then demanded we pay damages for failing to give them more land according to some trade rule, we were simply fed up. 27 of my father´s sheep living in the area dropped dead in two days and if you knew my dad you´d understand he had good reason to be a bit upset. His sheep are as highly valued as your daughters to you, even if the sheep don´t run wild or drink hard liquor. Dad doesn´t either, btw!
I have read about how you “get rid of” a lot of people who offend you. Lumumba, Mossadeq, Sukarno, Allende, Milosevic, Kassem, Noriega, Ortega and so on in a long line. Some permanently, others you just removed from office. Noted that you missed with Chavez, btw. There is also information that you for some unexplainable reason attacked and invaded Grenada and Panama among others and caused a lot of misery in Nicaragua and other smaller nations, so we feel that the easier target the more risk of having your troops around or your bombs dropping on people. We even have heard how all world organizations have to behave as you tell them or you withdraw funding. You obviously had some success with that José Bustani, Director-General of the Organization for prohibition of Chemical Weapons, who might have eliminated one of your reasons to attack Iraq. Of course he had to go or the organization would lose your 22% of it´s funding. No question! Only blackmail for the sake of democracy, perhaps? But please mr president, we are not an important organisation and we have no chemical weapons with the exception of some insect-repellant that we bought from USA some time ago. Since it is no good against the insects I guess it´s no threat to democracy or the western lifestyle either . Surely it is within your power to give us some more time. OK, I confess, we voted against you in U.N. some times but surely that cannot matter since you never follow U.N´s recommendations anyway. You might let us exist until beginning October perhaps? I have a reservation to go to Mecka then.
Now I have to clearly declare that, since a lot of those people you get rid of seem to command aggressive armies or have a lot of oil, we have no large or threatening forces. Our sole defence consists of 23 policemen in the capital and the 5 man strong (+ a guard dog (beagle) who don´t like intruders) palace guard, and we don´t have so much oil. Last count said 68 litres of SAE 10-40 for our government fleet and some thinner variety for the old sewing machines and bicycles. I hope you´ll excuse us that a fellow named Bin Laden, obviously escaping from a neighbouring country, was allowed to purchase 7 litres of petrol (regular only) for his motor-bike a few months ago. But we didn´t harbor him more than 19 minutes it is reported. I assure you that the most mass-destructive weapon we have is my mother-in-law who can, just by nagging, drive an average of seven normal persons from a house in one hour flat. I also hope you can accept that here we don´t jump to your command in the “jawohl mein Führer”-style that you obviously prefer. I guess we are a bit of rebels, just like those early Americans who took up arms against the British oppressors and wrote your declaration of independence.
I have noticed that whenever you are on the hunt for one of your (real or imagined) enemies you are prepared to let an awful lot of innocent bystanders or bysitters suffer what your generals so Orwellian have labelled “collateral damage”. A most imaginative way of hiding torn human flesh, dismembered bodies and the blood of innocents behind a name that makes one think of breaking a glass when dusting, I have to say. Anyway, if you want to “disappear” or “destabilize” me or members of my government, please don´t hurt the other people in the area. In case you absolutely have to end our democracy perhaps you can allow us to gather on an empty field somewhere so your bombs don´t hit anything except the intended targets. But please don´t hurt my friends or family or the people who elected us! Let me know so we don´t waste time or people, none of us, including CIA. And if your patience is running out and you feel that our strategic location with access to some major key areas, filled with oil and other goodies, is needed urgently, perhaps you can give us time till August when we have the annual sheep-dog trials??
Since we would surely object to having US generals governing our country, under supervision of the boards of CocaCola, McDonalds, Nike, Boeing, General Motors and Exxon-Mobil, I have full understanding that we are thorns, even if rather small, in your sensitive behind. If big enough to disturb your thinking I cannot say. But please give yourself time to really think this through carefully. We have not, so far at least, thrown any bombs or painted “murderers” on your embassy cars. So don´t hasten. We are fully on the side of the good guys and as soon as someone can define who those are, we might be more sympathetic to your views. At the moment we are a bit confused as it seems that a lot of people who are wanted for terror in South America are very good friends of Washington´s and some governments can be your best friends one day and a threat to the world the next. Perhaps we are just too logical here. Many of the best educated Longlhostistanians claim that terror is terror even if conducted by western nations, and even if it´s done for the sake of business and not only for political reasons.
We could, of course, try to soften up the criticism of the American foreign politics but since you yourself has said something about “defending democracy”, “moral values” and you always talk about “freedom” I feel that such a change would let down the ideals for which I suppose we all fight. I can assure you that when it comes to democracy we are behind you all the way, the only difference perhaps being that we believe that it applies even to people who worship Allah or have dark skin. “Give me freedom or give me death” as someone said some time ago. So you see that we have to be true to our belief as I guess you are to yours. Maybe you could at least let us exist until end of May because that time of year is really beautiful here when we celebrate some very important religious holidays.
It is not easy ruling the world or a nation for that matter, but with all the help you get from freedom-loving people like Ashcroft and Rumsfeld I guess that the load you have to carry is lightened considerably. And the armed forces that you allow your poor uneducated people (if you need some dedicated teachers we´ll be happy to help you out) to fund with their taxes must be a further help in your endeavours, so please forgive us for sometimes not being very friendly towards them. CIA, NSA, MAFIA, FBI and all the other acronym-organizations that often seem to sabotage your good intentions, and are reported to be behind much of the shady work abroad and in USA, must be a major threat to true progress and I´m sure you must at least be appreciative of our editors writing condemning their conduct. I know it is not easy to control criminal organizations (we have two camel-smugglers here) and their hate of freedom and democracy is frightening.
Mr president, may we exist until Saturday when I intend to celebrate my birthday?