Changes Afoot for Winter Olympics
- Dave Patten
Salt Lake City, Utah (RMV) Stung from accusations that the host cities are chosen by graft that would awe a New Jersey Senator, the International Olympic Committee is hard at work bringing the Games into the 21st century. The changing world has thrown a spark into re-interpretation of traditional events, and several demonstration sports are making an appearance in 2002.
The Downhill Standard of Living brings corporate globalization to the Games. The athletes will hike a marathon of snowswept mountainsides, being careful to avoid roving 'competitiveness teams' who score points for victimizing the contestants by theft of equipment or supplies. Cooperation among the athletes is prohibited, but their assailants may collude at will. A gold medal will be awarded the first person arriving at the finish line, even naked and starving. There are no medals for second place.
The Snow Job Derby is an indoor event that matches up the coaches and PR staff of each country. Scandals about each nations' athletes will be devised by a panel of paroled felons, including former IOC members. The teams must put the best spin on the facts to score highly. Sample scandals include Biathlete in More Ways Than One, Neo-Nazi or Alpine Skier?, Figure Skater Missing After Date With Congressman, and Making Weight for the Meet: Smack and the Speedskating Team.
Foreign Policy Freeze-Out is an administrative event where athletes from nations unfriendly to the host country are subjected to indignities. The main categories for scoring include Circuitous Travel to the Event, Housing Next to the PA Tower, We're Bombing Your Neighborhood Right Now, and Crooked Scoring 101. The panel of judges may also award additional points for creativity and wickedness.
Finally, the Xtreem Bobsled Traffic Jam will be carried only on FOX TV and will require new, four-lane runs. Teams will start simultaneously and score points for running others off the track. Howard Stern and three strippers will provide color commentary and William F. Buckley will comment on the poor character of the victimized teams falling by the wayside.
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(written 9/23/01)
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