Satire to go - 4 pieces by D Patten
'You Owe Us’ Spat Turns Ugly
Overseas (RMV) Angered at the unwillingness of Europeans to join in the latest imperial gang-bang, American superpatriots have made a growth industry of resting on their laurels. Cries of “We saved the known universe during WWII” and “Remember the Marshall Plan” have sparked bemused comebacks from the older precincts of western civilization.
“We’re so glad that the banner-wavers in the former colonies have reminded us of our folly,” said Rupert Council, British MP from Point-upon-Clough, “We have never enforced the intellectual property rights on genocide. Without our skilled input, we expect that the Americans would merely be a belligerent theocratic ghetto on Cape Cod. Ute he, Mr. Rumsfeld.”
Comments from other areas of Europe were no less pointed. Said a representative from Germany, “The Third Reich made advanced brainwashing in pursuit of blood money fashionable, pushed by upper class servants of greedy industrialists. Why, Bush and his ancestors are fine examples. We are perplexed at the tactlessness of the Americans.” The Iberian Peninsula also weighed in with “Senor Juan Public forgets his debt to Spain and Portugal. Without slavery, the Yanqui founding fathers would still be arguing over who gets to be 3/5th of a person.” The Italian representative could barely contain his shock. “For the Papacy and fascism have we ever received a little gratzi from the New World? No, just cheap shots about Fiats and three-governments-a-year!” Added the French sarcastically, “We appreciate the Enlightened perspective that these Statue-esque postures of Liberty have revealed to us. We will try to support the Americans’ revolutionary way of viewing world affairs.”
Homeland hatchetmen are unswayed, however. “Oooh, really tricky comebacks by the multilingual set," said a deputized anti-terrorist brownshirt. "I say let ‘em wallow in their universal healthcare, inexpensive university education, and public pension system. Then they will really appreciate what we stand for here in America, like the Vietnamese, Nicaraguans, and Filipinos do.”
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Intellectual Property or Capital Flight? You Be The Judge
Cambridge, MA (RMV) Are tax havens a place you can visit? Not if the DR/JMB project at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology is successful. A joint effort by some of the brightest minds in computer science and accounting, the 'door/jamb' project will effectively park monies in cyberspace, outside the reach of even the most cunning financial investigation. "The key to the plan is to have the money in constant motion on a global grid," said a project lead. "Once in the system, the money courses through billions of random pathways which even an adolescent with a laptop can't decipher. Those clunky old days of boarding a flight to Switzerland with $3 million in small bills are over, and anyone can do it. We even have America OnLine interested."
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Shuttle Debris Standoff
Dead Mule, TX (RMV) Federal agents in riot gear have surrounded the home of a man they say has key pieces of evidence from the space shuttle Columbia disaster. "Our radar tracked the landing of several large objects onto the property of Ernest Axelson, who apparently collected them in his Explorer sport utility vehicle and is refusing to surrender them," said the FBI Special Agent on the scene. "We are prepared for the worst and will not depart without the government property that Mr. Axelson is holding."
Across town, the community radio station KMUL had been contacted by Mr. Axelson from inside his home and broadacst the following commentary: "I thought this was a sign from Jesus. I'm settin' on my porch, thinkin' to myself 'All these years, I'm paying federal taxes for what?' I don't see no affordable education, health care, or 30-06 ammunition, and all the damn jobs have been shipped to a post office box on some Caribbean island. So, I'm settin' there wonderin' how those carpetbaggers in DC are goin' to help me like they help their rich friends and WHAM! a hood ornament or somethin' lands in my azaleas. And I'm thinkin' 'Well, at least I have some proof my money went somewhere.' Then a tile lands in my duck pond - I found it from the steam, see- and then a $1700 screwdriver takes out my mailbox. Wrecked my new Guns & More Guns catalog. A few hours later, these suits from NASA come around like I owe them an explanation. I said 'Look buddy, you been on my teat for years, so hit the road.' Not long after, some of Hoover's boys show up like it's the Gaza Strip or somethin'. They's lookin' at me like I owe them as well. Where do they find these people? Well, I told them, as soon as I see some consideration, like the kind I can fold up and put in my pocket, then we'll have somethin' to discuss. Until then you can kiss my redneck ass on both cheeks."
At press time, the standoff continues. From Florida, Janet Reno said that she believes an assault on Mr. Axelson is required to forestall child molestation within his compound.
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Microsoft Applies For 'Roving Patent'
Washington, DC (RMV) Emissaries from the legal department at Microsoft have turned a corner in copyright law with their daring application for what they call a 'roving patent.' Under this new scheme, any profitable idea or object within 5 miles of any Microsoft employee or product would be considered the intellectual or personal property of Microsoft chairman Bill Gates III.
"The public needs to embrace this new wave of competition and innovation that the global economy demands. This eminently fair claim by Microsoft will allow prosperity on a scale that I haven't yet seen," said Gates by legal courier. "And the roving patent will bring a new day of individual responsibility for consumer behavior."
Company insiders say that Microsoft is awaiting a ruling on the patent before launching a new line of products. Titles are said to include Our Words for Windows, Pay Me Right Now personal finance software, Home Invasion internet browser, and You'd Better Listen media player.
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