LeftExchange

The Pyrrhic Sleuth - Part 1

The Accident Investigator

Ex officio-

The accident investigator arrived eight and three quarters of a minute after the egregious fall. Strewn akimbo, the victim prone on the patio obstreperously declaring his right to sue the establishment while acknowledging the obligatory wet floor sign that had encumbered his dry path, soon eyed the approaching AI increasing his truculent tone. The fallen patron additionally indicated the second catalyst toward his publicly humiliating slip. To no surprise it was the cup of coffee that he’d miraculously spilled across the groin of his corduroy pants. He went on to insist that it had been heated to incendiary excess attributing to his embarrassing anguish. A collaborating wife or girlfriend began taking picture from various angles confirming in terse and defiant statement their intent to sue. A contentious crowd gathered, full of narrow, dewlap chins that seemed to pint at "the scene of the crime" like conspiring elbows.

With this the AI understood some grand conspiracy to entrap his corporation in extensive legalities in coercing formidable restitution was being orchestrated before him. "All this to sway my objective data sheet. No, their performance would not cloud the algoristic observational training he’d received. Our system, he thought, anticipates such operations. "Thanks for playing!", he mumbled under his breath, before announcing his authority over the accident site. "I am the Accident Investigator. I will qualify and quantify all the information pertaining to this mishap according to the specified inspection methods I am uniquely imparted."

This allocution was stern and commanding. Still, the throng, together with the victim and his wife, appeared unaffected by the strength of his tone and the clarity of his statements. They all seemed to blithely await his investigative procedures. On occasion some of the bystanders bluffed concern for the be-coffeed instigator. One of the proprietors bus-boys retrieved a moistened cloth, offering it to the fallen man. A server joined the bus boy in providing a zip-lock bag of ice to stop the swelling of the man’s left ankle.

Soon the establishment’s medical unit arrived providing him with the necessary attention and offering suggestions in tending to the hot coffee scorching of his groin area. The patient responded with a mixture of appreciation and taunting ribaldry. He’d thank them for their application of the ankle-brace and in the same sentence chide them for their "hasty malpractice". This was interminably discerned through the derisive claims of the wife, who continually denounced their efforts and reminded the audience of "our intent to sue."

Of course, the AI watched scrupulously recording the actions of all those relevant to the scene. The intricate and exhaustive form he’d been provided with, as well as his training, made documenting the on-goings as well as the different renditions of the accident an expedient task. The mitigating intersection of the various accounts of what "actually" happened once conflated upon the form revealed the inconstancies among them. Facts such as the victims pace, direction, and demeanor before slipping were continually conflicting.

- by David Goyette

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