LeftExchange
Kitten Krackdown At Office of Homeland Defense!
The setting: an insane 'war on terrorism' which will destroy us all if we're not careful.
Washington, DC (RMV) The War on Terror is continuing in the nation’s capital, with uncompromising new laws passed to support President Bush’s policy of ‘results at any price.’ The latest targets are terrorist elements in the nation’s kitten population. “We cannot stand by helplessly while dozens of this great country’s workers are deprived of hours of productive activity at the hands of uncontrollable young felines,” said Homeland Defense Secretary Tom Ridge. “While seemingly cute, we have isolated several target behaviors which our operatives will aggressively pursue and prosecute aggressively.”
Amendments to the USA-PATRIOT Act, collectively termed the Loopy Cat Leverage Act (LOCAL Act), will be signed into law today. The package includes stiff penalties for violators. These include felony time-outs for climbing on curtains or jumping to unauthorized heights, bathroom deportation for racing in hallways, and organized crime prosecution for late night rackets. “We must aggressively guard against lawlessness within our borders,” said Secretary Ridge, “No matter who the perpetrators are. Protecting cat-loving technicians who aggressively assemble our space weaponry, I mean, our space defense, is much more important than Fluffy’s play time. And my counterpart at DEA will aggressively investigate catnip use by underage cats.”
Ridge has also ordered veterinarians’ offices to make space for information about the worst offenders, and how to profile renegade kittens. When asked if these measures would produce a backlash, Ridge said “The age of innocence is over in America. We can no longer assume that button-cute antics are only that. The American people know that these laws are aggressively in their best interest, and we will count on their compliance. Aggressively.”
Reached for comment, a PETA representative said “We don’t think any of this is funny.”
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- Dave Patten
The antidote: laffs, lots of 'em, but satire is hard to pull off in this environment.
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