or: A guide to the Spo(r)ts World
by Jerre Skog
Once upon a time, yeah many years ago it was but, I'm old enough to have actually seen it and young enough to still remember it, the object of athletes was to win in fair fight. Decent and just competition. May the best man (or woman or team) win according to the rules of the sport and ethics of sportsmen.
But that was before Big Money entered the playing-field. Today sports has evolved into more of a sort of "sell the product even if you have to walk over dead bodies". Product names are calling the tune and paying the piper to the point of ludicrousity. Entertainment!! Show!! What was that about sports and ethics???
First let's make one thing clear. This is about sports. Here is NOT included pro wrestling or beauty contests, which in common with nude mudwrestling and Bushīs cabinet have the only advantage that they keep some morons off the streets for a few hours. So on to some real sports. . . .
Football. Is played by 22 persons of two teams on a vast grassy field. Referee and two linesmen make sure that the players fall in the correct places and the ball is out of play regularly. Every part of the body may be used but the hands.
To watch international football these days is to watch an instruction course in "hold-trip-push-pull-drag-delay-fall-spit-protest"-tactics and the game, even when no important cup is at stake, is about as holed as a swiss cheese because of the constant referee calls for foul or whatever. It may be entertaining to see the artistic falls and following writhing in pain inside the goal-area line but given the circumstance that the faller is completely untouched by humans, one gets a feeling that a lot of footballers would be wise to enroll in theater schools to trim their acting abilities a bit. Not to mention the beautiful expressions of hurt, angellike innocense from a 200 pound defender when the referee blows the pipe for his brutal kick that broke a bone in opposing 90 lb forwardīs leg. Such coy behaviour is quickly developing into an art in itself. The different ways of celebrating a goal is a completely independent game from that in which it takes place. From the simple hugging and caressing scenes on the grass which, if the clothing was slightly reduced would result in immediate indecency-arrests, to diving and gliding on the stomach in the direction of the fans, to the latest fad of running around lifting the sports shirt to reveal a T-shirt with commercial message or the plain muscular breast of a top athlete feeling like the obvious male gorilla leader of the flock. By a strange reason the latest custom has so far not spread to women footballers, though the commercial value would no doubt be immense. Footballers can be sold and bought by football-clubs from the age of 15 (the players, not clubs).
Ski-sports have different ways of doing things, but in common they have that the competitor always returns to the starting point whether he first has to climb a mountain and then ski, jump or fall down it, or have to run on more or less flat ground to complete a circle. The most disturbing thing about skiers is that they are unable to reach goal without reflexively throwing up one foot in front of themselves to show what brand of skis they run, jump or fall on. As if any normal person could afford such skis and run out and buy them. A characteristic of long-distance skiers is that they have a habit of overindulging in less legal drugs. A variation of skiing is the so-called biathlon where the skiers have to shoot with rifles now and then. Which might explain why this sport is losing competitors rapidly. The old ones lie around in the forests with holes in them.
Motor sports is a very special art. The ultimate is Formula 1 in which some drivers earn a lot of millions from the excessive "sponsoring" from companies devoted to destroying peoplesī lungs. Latest trend is that the fellow who is the fastest is not allowed to win if his teammate has more World Cup points. This, driven in absurdum, took place a few weeks ago when a poor Barrichello was forced to show his gentlemanly chivalry by braking 50 yrds before the chequered flag to allow Ferrari-teammate Schumacher to win. An American distortion of racing is the ovals racing in which the cars only go round and round on banked curves. The cars have to run very fast. As this type of racing is favoured by the big US auto-makers, this is the reason that American cars cannot be steered properly, but overturn, and consume 5 gallons to drive around the block.
A very interesting sport for people with cleaning phobia is curling. The best curling game that ever took place was between Scotland and Burundi in -97. Scotland won 26-0 since Burundiīs team thought that the "brooms" should be used to sweep the ice behind the "stone" instead of in front of it.
There exist a few more sports. One can mention tennis where 2 (or 4) players try to hit the opponent across a net with a small ball to collect $500.000. Or cycling, where the bikers drive in appalling conditions chased by team-leaders, TV-teams, repairmen, cooks and doping consultants in cars and on motorbikes and other cyclists on other bikes. Boxing, "the noble art of selfdefence", with the admirable object of beating the opponent with the fists so he falls asleep standing. Javelin, which teaches people to watch out for sharp, falling objects. Marathon, in which the athletesī endurance and bladders are taxed beyond belief and relief. Decathlon, that developes muscles never before known to mankind. Swimming, together with water-polo, the only sport where you drown if you stop. (Synchronized swimming not included here as a lot of men would dive in if to save the ladies if any danger of drowning threatened). Many more sports can be found if looking carefully.
The olympics are games where athletes from all over the world can meet and share experiences on drugs, commercial deals and training methods and then meet in bitter fight over medals and rubbish opponents in interviews. The site for olympics is chosen by a Mr Samaranche and a committee after bribe-evaluations. The number of sports is constantly reviewed and extended. For the next olympics it is planned that new disciplines are to be: In-line skating in heavy traffic, CocaCola-drinking, shareholder-cheating, alligator-wrestling and wage-cutting.
Since the olympics are remnants from the Greek habit of letting young Greek soldiers measure their skills in throwing spears at enemies and jumping across streams or over high objects to escape them and such, for the entertainment of the old Greeks, some critics say that the olympics should reflect the original games better. No tennis, basketball or in-line skating is their motto as these are far removed from the traditional martial character of the old Greek games. Mud-wrestling would be preferrable in their opinion.
Other critics claim that modern olympics should reflect modern skills needed by our young warriors. Suitable disciplines in the eyes of these modernizers would include: Machine-gunning at 100, 300 and 600 meters, bombing natives from 30.000 ft, pressing buttons while aiming through video-screens, saluting superiors, blowing up water purification plants, 400 and 800 meter crawling under barbed wire, hand-grenade billiards and sucking up to the brass.
Whatever the outcome the olympic development will arrive at we can only be sure of one thing: All sports have left the olympic ideals far behind together with the hallowed spirit of fair fight between equals.
And now, back to sports. . . .
You've read the essay,
The object of motor racing is, contrary to popular belief, not to be fastest but to have a car that has maximum possible space for advertisment stickers. This is the reason why American cars have more square feet of useless iron covering them than others.
Maybe finally all participants will be selcted by IBM, Microsoft, Boeing and GM according to their selling potential?
If you donīt belive me, watch the next olympics!
now tell us what you think!
