Hi Dad!
by Jerre Skog
From the office of the Great President of The United States of America
Hi Dad,
Itīs amazing how well all has been going lately. Before 9-11 every newsrat was hounding me and making fun of me, but after that... WOW!! Those ayrabs were the blessing of my life. Just look, 85% approval!! Itīs like you said, the American people must be the worldīs most easily mapulinated. There was nothing to it. Wave the flag, talk about freedom, God and America, look serious (I can tell you, a hard task when you feel so good) and pretend to be concerned about ordinary citizensīsafety. Dick (Cheney) has been really great support. He has coached me a lot on which phrases to use. That "smoke them out" was a big hit, but the "axis of evil" might have been a little too weak. Still heīs a great guy. Iīm still not completely sure he had nothing to do with 9-11 but who the hell cares.
Being prez is no sweat. They give me papers to read from when I speak and tell me where and what to sign and how to look serious and in command. CIA has even briefed me on how to eat pretzels and which African presidents we shoud "take out" in the interest of businxxxxx in the interest of freedom and democracy.
Afghanistan was a great success and Iīm sure you know that our objective has been reached. Weīll soon have that pipeline (let the oil-boys know Iīd depreciate some "thanks") and the country belongs to us. They say that heroin will start to flow again, but what the hell, you canīt win em all. We just have to hope that my kids stay away from it when it arrives.
Seems that the more bombs we deliver, I get more and more popular, so my handlersī idea that I should start attacking Iraq must be great. Then thereīs North Korea and Sudan and Iran and Ireland and the evil Jamaicans. Weīll need a lot of hardware so Iīm sure our pals in the bang-industry will stay happy for a long time.
There are still a lot of those evil ones out there. Just the other day I heard that a fellow named Sharon is turning all hell loose on innocent people. Donīt remember who he is, but I bet he is Al Qaeda or something. Iīm sure Iīll get a lot of support for whacking him, for he even flounts UN resolutions and some people care about that stuff!! Weīll probably bomb him as soon as weīve taken care of Saddam.
Donald (Rumsfeld) is also a rock of determination. John Wayne couldnīt have pronounced "terrorists" with more pathos than old Rummy. Nice word, terrorists, btw. Itīs so filled with rrrrrs that it sounds really evil. Like Darth Vader and Sharon and Gomorrah and horrible and Florida and Gore.
I enjoy the white house. All my servants know their place and I can take a nap every now and then as long as I keep my apportements that the big boys make and stay sober and donīt forget my lines and to look determined and mention freedom and democracy. Iīm really siccessful, you know. Shows how much they misunderestimated me, huh??
The greatest thrill is that everyone is so impressed (or scared) by me. Blair is completely house-trained and the other European leaders hang on my every word. Mostly!! Til now anyway. I heard that a few are trying to step out of line lately, but maybe Dick can fix that. He says not to worry anyways for we have more nukes than they!!
I must not forget to mention dear John, our "old asscraft", as I sometimes jokingly refer to him. That fellow really knows how to keep people on their toes. A no nonsense guy of the highest calibre. Heīs managed to cowe all dissent. And those new patriot act, military tribunes and all are really beautiful.
Now if we can keep most of the Enron bedacle under wraps I might very well be president for life. Especilly if some 9-11 happens now and then, but I guess I canīt hope for that to happen a lot. Not by itself anyways!
Well, thatīs all for now. Thanks for all your valuable advice on how to handle things!!
Gotta buy me some new "Top secret" stamps soon. Weīve worn out a lot of them in order to keep important stuff away from the dissenter-reporters.
Your loving Son
PS: I never referred to Kenneth Lay as Kenny boy!! If someone wants to know WHEN I didnīt refer to him as Kenny boy you can tell tell them that I always didnīt refer to him as Kenny boy!!!
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Washington D.C. March 8th 2002
Jusīwanted to let you know that Iīm fine. Yeah, I know that we talk every week on the phone anyway, but I know Mom is fond of keeping some mementos from her favorite son so you can let her have this as soon as you blacked out any sensible (or is it sensitive??) stuff....
So here goes...
Give Mom my love and keep investing in defence industry!!
Georgie
$$$$: Gladys,
black out everything after "So here goes....", but leave "Your loving Son, Georgie", and then give it to Barbara!!!
George B.
Expresident
Saviour of Kuweit
Defender of freedom
Former CIA-boss
Investor of note
Son of a bitch
Real hero
God-fearing American
Father of "the liberator of Afghanistan"