Lurid Crime Off 50%, Layoffs at Discovery Channel

by D Patten

New York, NY (RMV) Faced with a drought in sensational civilian crime, the reality show phenomenon has taken a hit. The Discovery Channel, a leading provider of genteel violent programming, has announced a suspension of evening operations until reality catches up to their broadcast schedule. “People are starting to notice that no multiple homicides and auto chases actually happen in their neighborhoods, and ratings are off. We have had to dig deep to keep the public believing that sociopathic behavior is the norm, cobbling shows together out of years-old footage,” said Lillian White, Vice President of Titillation at Discovery. “And don’t get me started on police investigation techniques. Our shows make a lot of departments look bad, and we’ve been hearing from them.”

The decade-old binge of reality TV was pioneered by Fox Network’s COPS, which has since been superseded by the Fox News Channel. Other cable outlets have taken up the slack with offerings like Let’s Cut Open Dead People, These Cops Are So Honest It Hurts, and Rich People Don’t Commit Crime. But facing the demand for six dark nights of the soul per week, the well has run dry. The threat of people viewing their neighbors as ordinary people, just like themselves, is increasing and the networks are nervous.

“To remind the non-hackers of what they need to stay employed, the dead-weight producers will be roughed up and physically thrown out of moving vehicles,” said VP White. “On hidden camera, of course. We are also appealing to the public for help in easing this crisis. Cameras will be made available to capture the broadcast-quality human suffering that we’re sure has been going to waste.”

A Discovery representative was asked if tapes of police brutality, corporate pollution, sweatshops, or state-sponsored genocide would qualify. “No, we prefer individual cases of violence.”

Premiering May 1, 2002 Savage Weather: It’s Not Our Fault!

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